Only = lonely?

One week to go until our little girl turns 2. And all of a sudden those nagging thoughts about whether or not to have another baby is making me insane. 

Everyone has an opinion about this, and I get asked almost on a daily basis when nr 2 is coming. In all honesty, I do not know whether I want another baby. But I am also not sure whether I don't want another one. I flip flop between the 2 so many times a day. And while I am thinking NO more babies, my reasons are perfectly clear and they make sense. and then 2 minutes later I want ANOTHER baby, and my reasons are perfectly clear and they make sense.. Arrgghh, this is probably the hardest
decision we have ever had to make. My heart feels like it is breaking in 2! So many things get affected by this decision, including Imke's future!

When we found out I was pregnant with Imke, it was a huge surprise - no planning, no charting, it just happened. And it was the best thing that could ever have happened to 2 people who said NO KIDS! I laugh at us when I think back at how adamant we were about not making mini-me's to further overpopulate the earth. How much richer our lives are now, with our little mini-me. And then I think that maybe in 3 years time I will look back at me agonising about the decision of having another baby, and laugh at how silly I was, and wonder at how much love my heart is capable of - to love 2 babas so much.

But here is one of the big worries I have: will I love another as much as I love Imke? And worse still: what if I love another more than I love Imke?

All parents say that you grow another heart, or you love them all equally but differently. But isn't that what we expect them to say? They can't really go about saying I don't love my second child as much as the first. Or my first is not nearly as lovely as my second?? So where do I find the truth?

And another worry - Time. I will never be able to give another baby as much one on one attention as I have been able to give Imke. And she has done so well with that attention - everyone comments on that, and I can see it as well. And I also won't be able to give Imke that undivided attention again, once there is another baba to care for. I don't ever ever want her to feel like she has been 'replaced' or that I don't have time for her.

Do other parents ever consider these things? Or do they just know they want 2 (or more) and thus the decision is easy?

Then there are the worries about depriving Imke of the opportunity to have a sibling. To never have a lil sister or brother to play with and to love. And denying us the chance to see our children love each other.

I have spoken to a  few only children, and the majority have said they did not miss having siblings. I guess you can't miss something you never had? I have been told that only kids tend to have a closer bond with their parents, and my research has shown that only children are on average more self-assured, confident and tend to do better at school. I read a very interesting article which has debunked some of those horrible myths about only children - that they are selfish, self-absorbed and lonely. You can read it here:
 Time Magazine - Only-Child Myths

Imke was, and still is, the best baby - textbook. She slept through the night at 11 weeks, she walked at 10 months, she is constructing 13 word sentences at 2. She eats anything you give her, but loves her veggies most. She is healthy and friendly, outgoing and helpful, loving and kind. She has made becoming a mother so very easy for me. I am so scared that another baby will be difficult, and that I will compare him to Imke. And that I won't love him as much because of the fact that he is not as good or as bright etc etc. Which won't be fair! 

This is such a huge decision - one that can not be left up to chance/fate (as I would so love to do...). Whatever we decide will affect our family; will have an impact on Imke's life one way or another.

Not only do I anguish about the above mentioned issues; there are other things to consider:

1) The age gap - If we want to have another baby, we need to fall pregnant within the next 6 months, as I would not want a big gap between our little people; no more than a 3.5 year gap.

2) My age - I am getting on in years ;-) Seriously though, the older I get the bigger the chance of complications during pregnancy.

3) Will we be able to give as freely to 2 kids as we can for 1? Financially, emotionally, physically, time wise?

4) Will Imke resent us one day for not giving her siblings, or will she resent us for dividing our attention between 2.

My head hurts... so many things to consider, so many worries.

I have found some wonderful stories shared by parents of only-children on this site: Babycenter community: Parents of only-children 

We still have lots of thinking and discussing to do about this - I can't see us reaching a decision soon... 

In the meantime I will enjoy every minute I get to spend with Imke, and lavish her with all my love and attention. And get green with envy every time I hear a friend is pregnant again with their second one ;-)